Alexa & Nathan: A Warm Day where Words Mattered
Alexa and Nathan’s wedding was on an unseasonably warm late spring day. Clocking in at over 99 degrees at the height of the party, it was sometimes hard to determine if it was tears or sweat but, I can confirm that there was quite a bit of both.
Alexa and Nathan met at Xfinity Live in Philadelphia, PA through mutual friends and instantly hit it off. I knew Alexa from theater camp and we became closer friends after college. Alexa is an extraordinarily talented musician and vocal performer. She is thoughtful and loyal and asks amazing questions and all around an amazing friend. Nathan is one of the kindest and most sensitive individuals that I have ever met. He is warm and welcoming and interested in what you have to say. I have always found their love and relationship so stunningly gorgeous. It is a joy to watch them disagree and even more of a joy to watch them work together.
Since Alexa is a University of the Arts Alumni, she booked the event and lobby space in Hamilton Hall for her wedding— a former UArts building situated right on broad street. There are gorgeous high, glass ceilings and a picturesque courtyard for photos. While it is no longer rentable (RIP UArts) it was the perfect setting for Alexa and Nathan’s Wedding Day.
Nathan and Alexa wrote their own vows and I got the sneak peak on both to proof read!
It was with Alexa and Nathan that I learned a lot about the importance of uncovering the personality of the couple and determine what overall vibes best fit them. I started this ceremony writing process by first interviewing Alexa and Nathan about what they wanted and what they didn’t want. They were not interested discussing or including god or using any kind of language that indicated a power dynamic in their relationship. They were interested in an non-gendered language and a land acknowledgement.
Additionally, both Alexa and Nathan are theater artists, and were focused significantly more on the literal words of the ceremony. While in weddings I had done previously, I used scripts as an outline and changed verbiage based on anecdotes from friends and family, it was Alexa and Nathan who asked the question, “Do we have to say this?”
Which really made me look at my officiant work in a completely new way. Why do we carry over ancient language about power and taking each other and language that made sense when weddings were finical obligations and contracts? Why can’t we change that? Alexa and Nathan’s relationship was always on their own terms— they have always been interested in doing things at their own pace and living a life that they designed, so their desire to have that reflected in the words said on their wedding day made a ton of sense to me.
We spent time together looking closely at the question asked before the declaration of intent— or before they said “I Do”. The script that I worked off of most often said:
Do you, ______, take ______ as your lawfully wedded ______, to love and cherish from this day forward, for better or for worse, for richer or for poorer, in sickness and in health?
______: I do
and do you, ______, take ______ for your lawfully wedded ______, to love and cherish from this day forward, for better or for worse, for richer or for poorer, in sickness and in health?
______: I do
By the power vested in me, I now pronounce you, married! You may kiss ____________!
However, together we altered it to say
Do you, Alexa, take Nathan in marriage and agree to support, comfort, feel, laugh, and respect one another today and for the rest of your days?
Alexa: I do
And do you, Nathan, take Alexa in marriage and agree to support, comfort, feel, laugh, and respect one another today and for the rest of your days?
Nathan: I do
It is my honor to pronounce you partners in life. Alexa and Nathan, please share your first kiss as a married couple!
This is a format I still use today in most of my ceremonies that I write. It feels so much more authentic to take tenants of the couple’s relationship— the things that they stand for and prioritize and make that the last thing that their guest hear before saying they are married. As when Nathan and Alexa asked— what does this actually mean? I said— what are things you want to do every single day you are together? It’s a question I have asked every client since.
For this ceremony, I was also a little more crunched for time, so conducted interviews of friends and family via email instead of a zoom call interview. This wielded similar results as my previous times doing this where between my interview, my experience with them, and their friends and family, themes began to emerge. I wrote:
However, as a friend of both Alexa and Nathan, one of the many things that I find special about them as a pair is that we as their community look to them as role models in love and partnership. The communication in Alexa and Nathan’s relationship is so strong and so healthy, that it spills over into their relationships with other people. When I’m with these two, I feel at home. I feel a part of their family. Throughout their relationship, they’ve given us such intimate and vulnerable glimpses of how these are two people that are so focused on seeing the world through the other’s eyes. I know what they think about and what they worry about and what they talk about because they tell me, they tell us. They are individuals who aren't afraid of the dirty parts of life or of doing the hard work of prioritizing the other's feelings.
Several years later, I still think these words are true. And I think this explanation makes it so clear as to why they both felt that the words they said mattered. I feel grateful for Alexa and Nathan for asking so many big vulnerable questions— it has made me a better officiant but more importantly, a better person. I feel grateful to have had their creative and brilliant minds to want more and beyond what we think normal marriage relationships look like— it’s helped me with almost every wedding I have worked on since.